


Happy birthday, Kaneki

by hariime



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hariime/pseuds/hariime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide recalls the last few birthdays without Kaneki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy birthday, Kaneki

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a drabble for my roleplay blog on tumblr. It is set during :re where Hide is a rank three investigator. I hope you enjoy.

Kaneki’s first birthday without him was one Hide vaguely remembered. Parts of his memory flickered in and out constantly like a bulb that was about to completely burn out, only to be sparked by an object or even a word that jogged his mind into recalling the smallest of details. However, one thing he knew for certain - Kaneki hadn’t been there. There was no cake nor candles. The lack of celebration might have bothered Hide if Kaneki were beside him, always looking gracious and embarrassed at the large amount of effort the blond had put into the special day. Hide’s mother usually planned something; she had a knack for turning an ordinary day into a large event, but they both knew Kaneki wasn’t the type for big affairs. As much as Hide told her about him, it was as though he were one of the family. “A brother from another mother” as he tended to joke now and again, only to earn an exasperated sigh and a “Hide…” from his best friend. Totally worth it. With or without him, Hide still felt the loss though; the desperate need to do something for his best friend. That much he remembered along with a handful of other things. A television, bodies scattering across the screen, the CCG raiding a building. There had been a blare of sirens. It was loud, too loud. His ears were ringing. His hands were trembling and frozen to the bone. There was… snow? He wanted to believe there was. Untouched and purest of white. He wanted to believe he never heard Kaneki screams days prior either.

The second birthday without Kaneki was one Hide barely made out alive. The loss of blood had impacted his injuries; infection had spread throughout wounded body parts. The doctor muttered a quiet possibility that he might have to lose a limb if he wanted to save his life. Luckily, it hadn’t come to that, but scars remained in place of what could have happened and what had already occurred. Silently, Hide hoped eating him had saved Kaneki. That the flesh torn from his body hadn’t been taken in vain.

The third was spent bitterly in a hospital, wondering why his friend never visited him…

The next went by with nothing more than a soft whisper of “happy birthday, Kaneki.”

The most recent birthday was at CCG headquarters, surrounded by investigators wandering halls, busy about their business in a current investigation. Circulation of various names reached Hide’s ears in hushed voices. They gradually all became a muddle of sound. None stood out particularly well to him when he focused more on himself than associating outside of work with his co-workers. Most were well above his ranking and didn’t remember him from his early days of being a mere assistant. Akira and others recognized him while some were not alive or living in the state of mind to be able to share the same conversation they once had. The loss was remembered more on the holidays. An empty chair around the table, one less person to buy for on a list. Amidst the people meandering about, a voice resonated above the rest, stirring up emotions Hide had buried and left for dead months ago. Kaneki wasn’t himself anymore. A new name, a different title, a higher ranking - he was the man Hide believed Kaneki could have been if he’d grown up with confidence and a demon on his shoulder to whisper into his ear, guiding and telling him exactly what to do. This person wasn’t his best friend, but resemblances alone had a shattering effect, pushing him to purse the unthinkable and irrational.

“Happy… Happy birthday!”

The celebratory greeting came out bright and cheerful, contrasting with the low, dreary muffle in the hall. It was much louder than Hide had intended. In fact, he hadn’t meant to say anything at all, much less actually approach his superior. It was a notion he had wanted to stay inside his head, yet something snapped, distorting rhyme and reason before Hide could find any self-control. Instead he stood before Sasaki, wearing a nervous smile that would have been reserved for only him.

“Rank Three Nagachika, I- I… Thank you,” Sasaki muttered back and looked away, albeit embarrassed and unsure of how to reply, but he thanked Hide all the same. It gave the blonde a fragment of hope. Maybe he remembered. Maybe he knew… Maybe, _just maybe_. Yet –

“Are you okay? Today isn’t my birthday. Did you confuse me with Arima-san? It is his birthday. I could tell him for you. He might appreciate it.”

Oh… It was, huh. As quickly as it had came, Hide’s smile faded away, replacing itself with something akin to grimace. He wasn’t wishing anything to him. He was… No, he wasn’t. There was no one to wish a happy birthday to. Not Kaneki because he was gone. In the physical, he was here, but anywhere else… Kaneki did not exist to him. Nodding his head, Hide went along with the charade, playing out his role. “Y-Yeah, my mistake. Sorry, just tell him then, I guess,” he replied, placing a hand on Sasaki’s shoulder, “Happy birthday to him and many more.”

There had been no lingering afterwards. Nothing more than a passing of his hand on a shoulder and the heavy distance separating them. There was nothing left to say. Hide shouldn’t have said anything in the first place, shouldn’t have tried to push what wasn’t there. Kaneki was gone. After the many years that had fled without him, Hide should be numb to the pain. This shouldn’t hurt. It should be easier. It should have prevented him from locking away his anguish with another quiet whisper.

_‘Happy birthday, Kaneki…’_

Traditions would be hard to break.


End file.
